Marriage and Family - by Sister Hoer

When President Hoer was young, his mother always baked homemade wheat bread every week. When we got married, I went to the store and bought some white bread. When he saw it, he said, “What is this?” I said, “it’s bread.” He said, “Don’t you make homemade wheat bread?” I said, “No!” He was so disappointed and I thought that might end the marriage! So I wanted to learn how to make homemade wheat bread but I had never made it before and I didn’t know how to do it.
My first attempts at bread making produced very flat, heavy bread. At that time, we were students at BYU and I made sandwiches out of my bread and President Hoer took them to school to eat at lunchtime. Every day, when he ate his sandwich, other students would laugh and say, “What is that? Why is your sandwich so tiny?” President Hoer just proudly said that his wife was learning how to make bread. And he pretended to enjoy the sandwich!

After several failed attempts, I realized I needed a recipe. I needed something I could follow and copy if I wanted to make good bread. I asked President Hoer’s mother to give me her bread recipe because I knew she made delicious wheat bread. I followed her recipe exactly and my bread became a little better. Now it tasted good but it was still very flat. I called his mother again and asked her what I was doing wrong. She said that she used a different brand of wheat flour and yeast. Also, she told me that my oven was probably different than her oven so the bread wasn’t the same.

So, I started to make adjustments to her recipe and finally found out what I needed to do to make good wheat bread. President Hoer was very happy!
The reason I’m sharing this story with you is because we are talking about marriage and family life today. In the church, we always teach the recipe of ideal family life and eternal marriage. The reason we teach the ideal recipe is that many people have never seen what an ideal LDS family or marriage looks like. The world doesn’t show it so we need to teach it.
In D&C 52: 14, the Lord says: “And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived”. The Lord reveals the pattern or recipe for family life so we know what kind of marriages and family we should strive for. We can all agree on the recipe or pattern as it comes from the Lord. We can then make individual adaptations as our personal situations dictate.

President Hoer and I were both taught the Lord’s pattern of happy family life as we were growing up. We were both raised by parents who love each other and love the Lord. We were very blessed because our parents are members and were married in the temple. President Hoer’s family has 7 children and my family has 6 children. We watched our parents work together to raise their families. We both grew up with family prayer, family scripture study, and FHE. Our parents set the example for their children by serving in the church. My parents have been on a mission and President Hoer’s parents have served 5 missions! Does this mean our families are perfect? NO! But even in their old age, our parents continue to be faithful, active members of the church. They continue to set an example for us to follow. They continue to teach us the Lord’s pattern.

Now, I know that all of us here have different family circumstances. Some of us are married to active members. Some of us have spouses who are inactive or who are not members. Some of us have supportive, loving spouses. Some of us don’t. Quite a few of us are single. Many of us our converts. We want to have happiness in our eternal families but we don’t know how. So my prayer for each one of you is that the Spirit will be with us so you can be taught what you should do in your own life. That may be different than what the person sitting next to you will learn from the Spirit. As I said, we teach the pattern and then we need to make individual adaptations as our personal situations dictate.

One of the most important principles that I learned from my parents is that nothing is more important than the family. Not work, or even church service is more important than the family. In the family, the most important relationship is the husband and wife. Parents and children’s relationship is important but not as important and the mother and father’s relationship. My father always taught us that the most important thing you can do for your children is to love their mother. He taught us this by his example.

President Hoer and I feel that our relationship is the most important relationship in our family. Why? Well, one day our children are going to grow up and marry and have their own families. If we reach exaltation, we will do it with our spouses. President Hoer and I take care of our relationship by doing several things that we will share with you.
The first thing is that we spend time together. We love to talk to each other. We take an evening walk every night and just talk about whatever we want to talk about. President Hoer is my best friend – not my daughter or my sister, but my husband. His best friend is me – not his friends, or his son, but me. Even when President Hoer traveled a lot for business, we always spoke on the phone. That communication is vital to a happy marriage.

We also do fun activities together. When I was growing up, my family played a lot of tennis. When President Hoer and I married, he realized that he needed to learn how to play tennis so he could fit in with my family. Sharing similar hobbies and talents is very important. President Hoer learned how to scuba dive in college. I decided that if I didn’t want him going scuba diving without me, I better learn how to dive. Now we both share the love of diving. We both like to ski. We both love to go hiking and biking. We spend a lot of time together doing the things we love because we have similar interests. We created this situation because we want to be together. Of course when our children were small, we didn’t have much time to do a lot of activities. But we always made sure that we spent some time alone doing something we enjoyed. This is why the church counsels us to go on a date night every week. Couples need that time alone without their children. This shows the children that the marriage relationship is important.

The second thing we do is that we try to meet each other’s needs. I have heard it said that the quality of any relationship is determined by how well the needs of each person are met. I believe this is true. Brethren, if you want to learn wisdom, listen to this secret: If your wife’s needs are being met, she will be a happy wife. She will feel that you are a wonderful husband . Wise sisters will listen to this secret: If the needs of a husband are being met, he will feel he has a loving wife and a happy marriage. The secret to meeting the needs of your spouse is knowing what those needs are. Now, how do you know what your spouse needs? I simply ask President Hoer, “What do you need me to do for you in this family?” I have told him what I need from him. Then we work to meet each other’s needs. Think how happy all marriages would be if everyday, each spouse asked, “What can I do to make my wife or husband happy today?” We all have different needs. Maybe I don’t need President Hoer to help me cook food, clean the house or do laundry. When our children were small, he always came home from work and played with them. They loved it and it was exactly what I needed. Sometimes all I need him to do is smile, laugh or give me a big hug. When he meets my needs, I feel really loved. I also feel really happy when I can meet his needs.

The Lord’s recipe for marriage is that husbands and wives work together and are equal partners. We have individual roles in the family and we can learn what those roles are in the Proclamation on the Family. This is truly the Lord’s recipe or pattern for happy family life. President Hoer treats me like an equal partner. We are a team and together we are striving to raise up a family to the Lord. It is hard work but the Lord is always there to help us. We can use a tripod to demonstrate how a husband and wife are equal partners with the Lord.
Now we know what the Lord’s pattern is but what about a sister who finds herself alone or with a spouse who is not the spiritual leader in the home? or a brother who has a spouse who is not a member or who is not supportive? That is when you need to make adjustments.
Show the tripod with one leg shorter. This means that You and the Lord together can lead the family in spiritual things. You can have family scripture study, you can have family prayers, you can hold FHE. You can bring your children to church. You can be the example. For many years in our married life, President Hoer traveled much of the time. Every day, I continued to hold family prayers and family scripture study. Every week, I had FHE. Sometimes it was hard, but I have learned that I can do hard things even when my husband isn’t there. Not doing these things is not an option because they are important. And I testify that as we do these important things in our family, the Lord will always be there to help us.

Now I would like to speak to the sisters. Some of you have husbands or will have husbands who will be leaders in the church. My father served as a bishop 3 times. He was a stake president, and 1st counselor in a temple presidency. It is often very stressful for a wife of a leader in the church. There are many meetings her husband has to attend. There are many demands on her husbands’ time. The wife has to sit alone in church meetings and try to keep all of the children reverent.

I have learned something from watching my mother for many years. First, my mother never complained about my father’s church callings. Never! Remember, she had 6 children. I am sure it was difficult for her when my father had heavy church responsibilities. Even though he wasn’t home to help her, she never complained. If a mother complains to her children about church callings, the children will likely grow up resenting the church. What a tragedy! Always teach your children that they are blessed to have a father who is worthy to be called to any church position. Teach them what a blessing it is to have a father who honors his priesthood.

Another lesson I have learned is to build up my husband in the eyes of my children and others. Always support him, praise him and teach your children to respect and honor him by your example. Our words have power and our children learn from us.

And on that note for all sisters and the brethren: NEVER, ever speak negatively about your spouse with your children or other people in public. I truly feel it is a vital aspect of total fidelity in marriage that we don’t ever speak ill of our spouse with others

Brethren, now a special word to you. It has been said that the mother is the heart of the home. When she is happy, the whole family is happy. When she feels overwhelmed, unloved or unappreciated, the feeling in the home suffers. Now, this is what I’ve learned from my father and my husband: that when a wife feels loved and adored by her husband, she will blossom. Now, you may think, “Well, of course my wife knows that I love her.” But if you don’t regularly tell her, she will unlikely feel adored in the way she deserves to feel. My father always said to us, “Do you kids know that you have the most beautiful mother in the world?” This was a powerful example to us as we were growing up and I must say that President Hoer has done an equally excellent job of making me feel loved and cherished for 30 years. This has then, in turn, blessed his life in many ways.

I testify that we are children of a loving Heavenly Father who wants to bless us, our marriages and our families. We need to apply the principles of the Gospel in our homes. We need to strive for the blessings of the temple in our marriages. Our greatest joy can come within the walls of our own home. This is my prayer for each of us in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.